Thursday, 3 December 2009

Smiles always follow tears.........

And my smiles came quicker than I thought they would. The wonderful, encouraging messages from you guys, after my surgery being put back to the 16th December, have lifted my spirits - thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I said it was for a reason (I didn't know what reason, though) but I'd like to think that a possible reason was this: today I saved a life. The life of a little, scared bird. Picture the scene - I was sweeping my kitchen floor (I know how to live the high life!) and one of my 3 (yes, 3!!) Jack Russell terriers was whining. I looked up and saw her staring intently at the log burner, and then I heard a frantic tapping at the glass. I peered in and saw a tiny sparrow, frantically trying to get out and flying at the glass door in desperation. I just managed to get my hand in and gently clasp it, but it wriggled free and flew to the window, fluttering helplessly against the glass.

'Don't panic!', I kept muttering under my breath - me, that is, not the bird. I opened the window but it just didn't seem to understand and kept missing the opening, so I closed one curtain and managed to guide it down to the window ledge. All the while my heart was pounding - it was as if its feelings of terror where being directly wired to me. Finally, I managed to catch it and when I stuck my hand out and opened my fingers, it flew out and into the trees across the lane.

I cried then, with relief at freeing the bird and, well, just for everything. All of my emotions were focussed on setting the bird free but they mirrored the panic and desperation in my own heart.

But then, through my tears, I started to smile. 'Yes!' I had done it - I had saved its life. Just a little bird, you might say, but it represented so much more. If my operation was still going ahead tomorrow, we would have already left today and that bird would have died, trapped in a log burner for several days.

I was meant to be here today - I know it. That bird's fight for life stirred overwhelming emotion in me. A recognition of being 'trapped', out of control and needing someone to set me free from this. Symbolic, don't you think?xx

A bad day.

Fed up and feel sick. My surgery has been postponed from 4th Dec to 16th December. Was so ready mentally and now I have to wait another 2 weeks. I need an ICU bed on standby and they are full at the Brompton this week - the 'panel' had a meeting and decided I wasn't high up enough on the priority list and so I have to wait. This has already been one of the longest weeks of my life.

The irrational part of my brain is terrified it will grow or spread in the next 2 weeks. I know I'm being a stupid cow -bear with me, I'll get over it!